The holidays: two words that invoke a large variety of emotions ... joy, frustration, anger, sadness, depression. What is it about this time of year that brings out such a range of emotions? Certainly, the holidays themselves during this time do not represent that variety. Thanksgiving is a joyful occasion. Both Christmas and Hanukkah have joy and wonder at their respective cores. While Kwanzaa represents reflection and purpose, it is still a joyful celebration of African-American heritage. Finally, New Year's Day is celebrating the start of a new year, something to be celebrated with the promise of what lies ahead. So, from where does all that other stuff people feel come?
For many, the joy is there, ready to go, all one needs do is plug into it. The frustration and anger clearly come from the hectic nature of all the stuff we have to do ... and, dammit, all those other people doing their stuff at the same time! Certainly, the hyper-commercialized nature of the holidays contributes to the anger and frustration. The soulless and anti-family force-feeding of the holiday shopping season to an earlier and earlier time each year extends that anger and frustration, further sullying the season.
All of the above items are external, easily seen, even if we wish they weren't so obvious, as with anger and frustration. What about those things that are internal, those feelings that are far too often left unspoken or ignored? While sadness and depression are not confined to one time of the year, the holidays provide fertile soil for the seeds of sadness and depression to bloom.
While sadness is something we all experience at various times and is normal, depression is an entirely different thing. Sadness, at this time of year, may stem from the loss of a loved one or someone simply unable to make to a celebration, or oneself unable to make a celebration. Many people who do not understand depression view it similarly to how migraines are often viewed as just a headache. Interjections like Why can't you just get over it? and You just want attention are often the bug spray haphazardly spewed at those suffering from depression as though they are some sort of infestation. Those suffering with depression don't often feel like joining in as it is, but shaming them only serves to make it worse.
Even though all of the holidays have joy inherent in them, it is that very thing that often makes those who suffer from depression feel even worse. It is not a case where they want everyone else to be depressed, too, as the bug spray mentioned above often suggests. They do not want anyone to be depressed, including themselves, but they often see their situation as unsolvable or requiring something that would be extremely difficult to attain ... or they simply see their situation in terms of It is what it is and there is nothing to be done.
While they may be surrounded by people who are regularly happy, or at least showing little to no discontent, the holidays, with the joy they bring and all they represent, can be a heavy (or heavier-than-usual) burden. Again, it is not their wish that everyone has a terrible holiday season. They simply want the burden to end. This is not anyone's fault. It is not an argument of banishing the holidays. It is what they feel and if they could snap their fingers and make it go away, they would.
There is also a feeling of being alone and, as we usually see "alone" as merely the absence of others, being surrounded by people is only sometimes a curative and, many times, a short-term curative. It is possible to have people around you (i.e. family, friends, co-workers, fellow students) and, while not actually all alone, still feel all alone. The holidays, with their various abundances of others, and those same others who are more plugged into the season, combine for a difficult tine of the year.
What can we do? Going around and asking everyone if they're depressed is not constructive, and will be seen as odd by most, and asking the same person(s) that same question over and over again will become more annoying than helpful. This is not to say that believing each person needs to deal with their problems is mistaken. Still, we need to be more compassionate. Doing what you can to be as caring and inclusive as possible is the right approach.
Simply taking notice is a great first step, and one that most people miss. It is so easy to let the joy and revelry of the season wash over you, and there is nothing wrong with that, just as it is so easy to let frustration overwhelm you. Taking notice of someone who seems more down than usual, or that someone isn't coming out to as many parties or functions as they used you, is the first step. Then, approach them. Do your best to be conversational and open -- if you're friends already, this should come easily -- and talk about something, anything. If you want to be more direct, eventually ask them if they're doing okay; don't just blurt out the question right away. The person may want to keep what they're feeling secret, so the answer may be Yes. Just let it be. Remember, you are approaching, not confronting. You cannot force someone out of depression -- it is not a case of boredom -- so do not try.
Let them know that you noticed they seem kind of down, or really down, or down more often lately or you've taken notice they're not around as much as they used to be. This may make the person feel like they need to "circle the wagons" even more because they are already dealing with a broken spirit of their own ... or it may be the first crack of light that gets them to open up and confide in someone else. Let them absorb what you say in the manner they will. Offer a sympathetic ear because no one else may have done so yet. Keep in mind that, when it comes to help, "offering" and "forcing" are two entirely different things which will bring about entirely different results.
At this time of year, we often hear of "the Christmas spirit". While the Christmas spirit may cause one to do certain things, buying something being one of those things, it is not tangible. You cannot go to a store or to a website and buy the Christmas spirit. (If I could, I would order it in bulk and have it shipped to everyone on Earth.) Many find it difficult to get into the spirit -- and this may be as much being fed up with the craziness as it can be depression -- and there is nothing wrong with the simple wish for others to be in the spirit as well.
For some of us, it is harder to get into the Christmas spirit because our own spirit is broken or hurting. Solely sharing in the joy is not the only means of living out the Christmas spirit, but showing compassion to those who are suffering more at this time of year is, too.
Terry
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